


You Can't Change the Way I Feel

by ShadeCrawler



Series: I Think I Need a Little Change [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:39:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23518567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadeCrawler/pseuds/ShadeCrawler
Summary: Virgil has revealed his secret to Thomas and feels like everything has been going downhill since then. But then one night, something happens in the Mindscape that is bound to change everything forever.
Series: I Think I Need a Little Change [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696099
Comments: 25
Kudos: 152





	1. Downward Spiral

It started almost immediately after the movie night.

Virgil had sunk back down into his room, exhausted from just being in front of Thomas and the others. Normally, he would've loved hanging out with the others. And movie night, let alone his first movie night _ever_ with them? Something that, before he had been accepted, had only been for the Light Sides? And with _Thomas_ no less? God, before he would've been the first one in the living room. Nothing could've stopped him from being there.

But there was Before. Capital B. Before Virgil let slip his most guarded secret to Thomas and Before Deceit and Remus showed up. That he was one of them. A Dark Side. And now, everything was different and wrong. Thomas looked at him warily and nervously, like he was something to be scared of. Like he was back to being the Side he had been before he had changed. Back in the phase that he still cringed at. Like he had never even changed at all.

And yeah, maybe things had gotten a bit better at the movie night. But Virgil knew that things were far from fixed. One good night of watching a movie and writing Frozen fanfiction didn't fix everything. Virgil had felt so relieved when it was time for them all to leave, he was just so mentally and emotionally exhausted.

But it wasn't just Thomas. Virgil had been avoiding the others too, especially Patton. He had _lied_ to Thomas and he knew that the others, Patton especially, hated lying. Virgil had gone out of his way to hide the truth of what he had once been from Thomas. And Virgil honestly didn't think he could even look at Patton - the one Side who so strongly hated lying - without breaking down. Even though Patton had known the truth about Virgil and hadn't told Thomas, he was probably disappointed that it had taken Virgil so long to tell the truth. How could Virgil face Patton after that?

It hadn't helped that Virgil had been so rude to him during movie night.

So, Virgil was just glad that this whole thing was over with. He just wanted a long night of relaxing in his bed, maybe watching some more Disney movies, and try - and probably fail - to forget everything that had been happening in the last few weeks. 

And that's when he heard it. Patton's loud scream ringing through the Mindscape.

Virgil’s laptop slipped through his fingers and scrambled out of the room, almost tripping over his rug as he skidded over it. All of the reservations of seeing Patton immediately left him the moment he heard Patton sound so _scared_. "Patton," Virgil called frantically, running down the hallway of the Mindscape. "Patton, what's wrong?!"

"Virgil!" Patton ran around the corner. The two of them almost ran into each other but Patton grabbed Virgil's arms, steadying him. He had a large excited grin on his face, none of the fear that Virgil could have sworn he had heard in his voice. "Virgil, you have to see this! You have to see this now! I can't believe this!" He pulled at Virgil's arm insistently. "Come _on_!"

Virgil yelped and let Patton pull him along. "Patton, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Is Roman or Logan hurt? What's going on," he asked, pushing down his growing anxiety. ' _Relax,_ ' Virgil tried to reassure himself, ' _Patton wouldn't be this happy if something was wrong._ ' But that didn't stop the bad gut feeling he had that something strange was going on.

Patton dragged Virgil past his own bedroom door to an empty spot in the hallway where Logan and Roman were staring at a wall, the two of them still both in their onesies from the movie night - an onesie that Logan hadn’t been in before, Virgil was **_so_ **teasing him about that later. Roman had a bright grin on his face and looked nearly as excited as Patton, bouncing up and down and flapping his hands happily. Logan was examining the wall closely, a puzzled and curious look on his face. Virgil's bad feeling eased a little as he recognized what exactly it was that was happening the moment he saw the faint outline of a door in the spot of the wall in between Logan and Patton’s.

A new Side was forming. 

Roman turned to them and squealed out, “Look at this! A brand new Side! I can’t believe this, there hasn’t been a new Side since Deceit!” He wrapped an arm around Logan and bounced up and down. “Ahh, it’s been forever since we got a new Side!”

Logan rolled his eyes and pushed Roman away from him, stepping up and looking closer at the outline of the wall. His curiosity was plainly drawn across his face and Virgil could tell that he was holding himself back from bouncing off the walls with excitement. Not that Virgil could blame him. Thomas had been just a kid when Deceit had formed and while Logan had been curious, he hadn’t studied it closely. Something that he had gone on record that he was very disappointed about. To have this chance again? Logan was going to be camped in front of the new Side’s door and writing down every single change. Virgil already knew that he was going to be talking around nothing else for days, maybe weeks.

“Huh,” Virgil said softly, cocking his head in confusion. A new Side. Well, he hadn’t been wrong. This was certainly… strange, to say the least. He reached out, gently feeling the soft, pink and blue pastel outline. Virgil felt a soft, warm, and safe sensation when he touched it like he was curled up underneath his weighted blanket and watching cartoons. Maybe with the others curled up with him, safe and sound. Virgil lingered for a second before pulling back. “I didn’t think we’d be getting any more Sides. It’s been forever since one formed.”

“Most humans develop sides in childhood but as they are constantly learning new things even as adults and adjusting their behaviour, it's only natural that other sides can form,” Logan said, his voice much less calm and collected as it normally was.

“Ohhh, I’m so happy,” Patton chirped. He squeezed Virgil’s hand excitedly and it was only then that Virgil realized that he was still holding Patton’s hand. He quickly pulled away and avoided Patton’s eyes, not wanting to look his friend into his eyes. Patton faltered for a moment before he continued, the joy in his voice a bit more strained, “I can’t wait for them to come out! Ohh, I hope that they’re nice!”

Roman chuckled, giving Patton an indulgent smile. “Their door’s right beside yours, Patty. I’m sure that they’ll be just as sweet and sunshiney as you.” He smirked and glanced at Logan. “Though, their door is also next to Sir. Nerdy here so you can never tell.” 

“Oh, shush,” Logan huffed, sending a friendly smirk to Roman. “They’d be lucky to inherit even a small amount of my intelligence.” He inclined his head at Patton. “And Patton’s emotional intelligence, of course.”

Patton giggled and squirmed happily. “Aww, thank you, Lolo!” He clapped his hands and leaned forward, looking forward at the outline curiously. “I sure hope that they form soon! I remember when your door first started to form, Logan! The pretty stars on your door were visible almost right away!” He giggled and glanced at Virgil, an unreadable look in his eyes. “Weren’t they beautiful, Vee?”

Any words Virgil could possibly say caught in his throat and he could only nod silently. He peered at the inside of the outline, trying to see if there were any designs or symbols like there had been with Logan’s and - at one point - King Creativity’s doors. But it was a completely empty space aside from the soft pastel glow from the outline. There was no hint of what the new Side was going to be like. It looked like they were going to be guessing for the next little bit. 

Virgil hated guessing.

“Well,” Patton said after a pause, “just because there’s going to be a new Side doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t all have a good night’s sleep!” He gave Logan a stern look when the Logical Side went to protest. “We can all look at the door in the morning when we’ve all had a chance to rest.”

From the way Logan was pursing his lips and staring at the door almost longingly, he would be running straight to his laptop and writing everything that he could remember about the new Side’s door. Virgil wouldn’t be surprised if he found Logan in the middle of the night just staring at the outline so he wouldn’t miss a thing. But he did straighten up and nod. “Alright,” he sighed. Logan gave the door one last glance before walking over to his own room, disappearing inside. 

Roman sighed dramatically and shook his head. “Well, I suppose I must go if our dearest Padre insists on it!” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the empty space inside the outline. “Good night, dearest new Side! I have no doubt that we’ll be seeing you very soon!” He flounced down the hallway and dramatically walked inside his own room, closing the door behind him.

There was a long pause where Patton and Virgil just stood there awkwardly, Patton shifting back and forth and Virgil not moving his eyes away from the outline of the door. Virgil had no idea what to say to Patton or how he could escape this. Thankfully, Patton spoke first. “Well, I think that we should head to bed too,” he chirped, rubbing the back of his head. 

Virgil nodded, sticking his hands in his onesie’s pockets. “Right,” he muttered, a deep pit of guilt in his gut. “Um, right, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He started walking away, ducking his head so he wouldn’t have to look at Patton as he left.

“Virgil, wait, I-”

Virgil turned around, taking a risk and looking up at Patton nervously. The Moral Side was staring at Virgil with wide teary eyes (full of disappointment, Virgil knew) and had his hands clasped in front of him. Patton seemed just as speechless as Virgil was, wringing his hands uselessly. Patton stuttered out, “Virgil, I, I mean, I think,” he trailed off, glancing down and letting out a deep breath. 

Virgil sighed and turned back around. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Pat. Night.” He walked slowly back down to his room and left Patton in the hallway, closing the door behind him. He sighed and rubbed at his eyes tiredly. His laptop was lying undamaged on the floor where he had dropped it and scooped it up, suddenly too tired to even think of watching anything. He sighed, closing the laptop and putting it on his dresser before falling onto his bed, staring vacantly up at the ceiling..

Well. Shit. A brand new side. And considering how their last new Side turned out, Virgil wasn’t too completely happy about this new development. But, it wasn’t all completely ruined, Virgil supposed. Maybe Roman was right and this new Side would be just as good and sweet as Patton. Or maybe they’d have Logan’s calm and collected nature.

‘ _Maybe this is for the best,_ ’ Virgil thought as he started to drift off to sleep. ‘ _Maybe this Side will be a Side that Thomas actually deserves._ ’


	2. Drift Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Virgil is on unsteady ground and the sides aren’t leaving him alone. Why won’t they just let him shut himself out in peace? It’s what he deserves. Or, it's what he thinks he deserves.

Virgil was right about Logan, the nerd had been too excited about a new side and had waited until they all returned to their rooms, before sneaking out to camp outside the forming door.

He had woken up to Logan pounding on his and everyone else’s door excitedly at the wee hours in the morning. Virgil had been less than pleased to open his door to a mad scientist Side, all of his blankets wrapped around him and a haphazardly held computer with all his notes. He'd bet his jack skeleton poster that half of them were nonsensical gibberish from Logan's quick descent into lunacy. According to the Logical Side, the outline had darkened a few shades throughout the night and was much more visible now. The blue and pink pastel outline that had been barely seeable the night before, was now impossible to miss.

A good observation but that didn’t stop Patton - very grumpy from being woken up so early - from dragging Logan off to bed, muttering about Sides who didn’t practice what they’d preached about getting a good night’s sleep.

Virgil watched Logan being dragged off in amusement and sighed, walking out into the hall. Well, he was already wide awake now so he might as well go and get some food. But he paused in front of the outline, taking a moment to study it.

Logan was right, Virgil realized. The outline was a lot darker, the blue and pink pastels much more visible and had even bled into the inside of the outline. Virgil could even see little designs and marks but couldn’t make out exactly what they were.

“Looks like that we won’t have to wait long to meet our brand new Darling!”

Virgil jumped up and whirled around. Roman was behind him, studying the door just as closely as Virgil had been. Roman still had his red and gold sleep mask on, hanging around his neck, and Virgil could see bits of night cream that Roman hadn’t wiped off yet. He grinned at Virgil brightly. “Isn’t this amazing, Virgil? We’ll be getting a brand new part of the family soon!” He wrapped an arm around Virgil and sighed out dramatically, “I sure hope that they’ll be just as sweet and Darling as the rest of my little family!”

Virgil bristled at that comment. What did Roman mean by that? Did Roman mean something? The uncertainty of it all made him anxious so Virgil huffed and pulled away. “Whatever,” he muttered. “C’mon, I’m hungry and it’s not like we’re going to be missing anything if we go and get a bowl of cereal.” He missed Roman’s look of concern and slunk down towards the Mindscape’s kitchen. 

Roman quickly hurried after him with a bright grin. “C’mon, I’m happy! Now that Logan and Patton are shacking up and you’re burrowed away in that hole of yours everyday, I might get some company other than my brother and,” Roman wrinkled his nose, “Kaa from Jungle Book.”

“First of all,” Virgil said, arching his eyebrow, “Logan and Patton? Seriously?”

“Didn’t you  _ see _ Patton bring Logan to his room earlier?”

Virgil thought about and then shook his head, unconvinced. “It’s ass o’clock in the morning, Patton probably just wanted to cuddle with someone. But second point, don’t act as if you don’t want to jump Dee. The two of you give each other all these lovely dovey looks all the time and literally the only thing me and Remus agree on is that it’s sickening.” 

Roman gasped, a pink blush spreading across his face. “Lies! Nothing but lies!” He huffed and dramatically rolled his eyes. “Oh, hush. No more talk about all of this! We’re going to spend the entire day preparing for our brand new Side!” He grinned at Virgil excitedly. “I wonder what kind of picture the Mindscape will be making for him! I bet now that Thomas has matured, it will be so much less childish than ours were!”

Oh… Virgil had forgotten about that.

See, when Logan had been forming, Thomas had only been two years old. And Virgil, in all of his wisdom as a Side to a toddler, had decided that he had wanted to make a gift for the newest Side, a clumsily drawn picture of a night sky and stars. Looking back, Virgil cringed at the drawing. The night sky had been drawn with a purple crayon and the stars were smudges of white scribbled on the purple backdrop.

Virgil had slid the gift under the door when it was mostly formed and Logan - when he had toddled out from his door with baby glasses, a blue bow tie and suspenders - had deduced that it must’ve been a gift from the Mindscape for being formed and Virgil had been too shy to say anything. It had made sense. The Mindscape had catered to all of their needs when Thomas was a kid. But it had made Patton burst out into sobs for not getting his own gift when he was formed when Thomas had just been born, minutes after Virgil himself had been formed. So Virgil had spent that night drawing out a clumsily drawn picture of a cat for Patton and slipped it underneath Patton’s door. Patton had come out the next day happily saying that the Mindscape must’ve just forgotten his so Virgil knew that he hadn’t been caught.

And from that point, it had become a tradition. Each Side had gotten a picture from “The Mindscape”, even Remus and Roman the night after they had split from the King. Virgil had even drawn himself one just incase anyone ever asked to see his gift from the Mindscape. They never did.

“I bet it will be,” Virgil said, looking anywhere but Roman. He’d have to start on this gift from the Mindscape soon. If Logan was right, and he usually was, the new Side would be forming very soon. Virgil was going to have to start his drawing soon. “We’ll probably have at least a few days to wait though.”

Roman hugged with a little smile on his face. “Maybe. But remember Deceit? His door was just a pale outline for months and then in a span of an hour, his door fully formed and he stepped out with that big old cape he used to wear everywhere.”

“Thank God he shortened that damn thing,” Virgil muttered, shaking his head as they walked into the kitchen, smiling as Roman headed straight for the cereal on the counter. “That fucking thing was a disgrace. Edna Mode would’ve been horrified if she saw that. Do you remember how it dragged across the ground? It was like twice his size.” He snorted in amusement. “Fucking hilarious.”

Roman nodded with a fond smile on his face, grabbing two bowls and pouring some cereal in both of them. “It wasn’t that bad. Deceit loved that thing.” He sighed and shook his head. “Anyway, you better not let Patton hear you use those words. You know how he is about cursing,” he chuckled fondly.

Annnnnd, just like that, there went Virgil’s good mood. As if he needed to do anything else to make Patton disappointed in him. “Right,” he muttered. “Look, can we not talk about Patton right now?” He grabbed his bowl and slid it toward him, not bothering with milk and slowly and started to pick at it with his fingers.

There was a pause before Roman sighed, grabbing a jug of milk from the fridge and pouring it in his own bowl. “Look, Vee, I’m not gonna tell you what to do but maybe you and Patty should have a talk. Like, I know things are weird right now but I really think that you two need to talk this out.” He shrugged. “Again, not gonna tell you what to do but-”

“But, you’re saying that I should talk to him,” Virgil said dryly, grabbing a handful of cereal and tossing it on his mouth. He spent a long time chewing, trying to prolong saying anything, before saying, “Look, I don’t want to. I mean, I  _ do _ but... Patton’s, he’s,” he swallowed, the pit of guilt in his gut growing a bit as he thought about how much Patton must hate him now. First lying to Thomas and now avoiding him. Everything was just stacking up. At this point, he might as well just commit to never looking Patton in the eyes again.

Roman huffed, shaking his head. “Vee, just promise me you’ll try at some point, okay? Before the new Side forms? It would really suck for them to be formed into a Mindscape where the dynamic duo are still not talking.”

“...Fine. I promise I’ll try.”

He picked up his bowl and winked at him and moved to the den, calling over his shoulder, “You might be surprised, Vee. Patton probably wants to talk to you as much as you want to talk to him.”

Right. Somehow, Virgil really doubted that.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Vigil picked at his cereal for about an hour before giving up, dumping it into the garbage and leaving the bowl into the sink to clean later. He slunk down the hall, wanting to go back to his room and do nothing. Maybe start working on that drawing for the new Side if Virgil could work up enough motivation for that. 

He sighed and turned the corner and immediately fell with a yelp as he bumped into someone. Virgil groaned and sat up, looking up and freezing when he saw Patton staring back at him with wide eyes. “O-oh! Hi,” Patton squeaked. “I was j-just checking on the new Side’s door.” He lit up and pointed down the hall where the new Side’s door was forming. “It’s formed even more! You gotta see it!” He grabbed Virgil’s hand, pulling him to his feet and over to the door.

Virgil couldn’t find it in him to pull away and let Patton drag him the few steps to the door. Which had gone from a faint outline to an actual door, still a little faint and fuzzy but much more closer to being fully formed than it was just an hour ago. The marks that Virgil couldn’t make out before were now little cartoon stickers stuck all over the door. There was a small whiteboard stuck on it with three different coloured dry erase magnetic markers stuck on there. At the very bottom at the door was a mural of what Virgil thought was of the Steven Universe characters. It was half-finished right now but Virgil could see the painting expand with every passing second. From what Virgil could see, the new Side would be ready to walk through that door in maybe about a day or two.

He would have to start on that drawing  _ soon _ .

“I guess they’ll be coming out soon, huh,” Virgil said, shifting back and forth nervously. He was nervous to be suddenly alone with Patton again... He didn't feel ready for this, and awkwardly stumbled around his brain for something to say. “I’m surprised Logan’s not here staring at the door still.”

Patton giggled, glancing at Virgil with a look in his eyes that Virgil couldn’t depict (Excited? Nervous? Disappointed?) and a grin that didn’t look a one hundred percent genuine. “He’s still curled up in my bed. Poor thing is exhausted.” He chuckled and patted his pocket. “I’ve taken a few pictures of the door for him to study when he wakes up.”

“He’ll like that,” Virgil said lamely. He racked his mind for something to say but he couldn’t come up with a single thing to say to Patton that wouldn’t sound stupid or an excuse. “Um….”

“...I think we need to talk, Vee,” Patton said gently, giving him a small nervous smile. It reminded Virgil of when he was still scared of big scary Anxiety and made him want to curl up on his bed and cry. “Things have gotten a bit weird with us, hasn’t it?”

Virgil nodded silently, picking at his nails. “Yeah… I,” his words caught in his throat and he ducked his head. He wanted to do so many things. Apologize, hug Patton, cry, but he was so scared and anxious that he felt like he couldn’t even move.

There was a long pause before Patton said firmly, “We’re still friends.”

Virgil’s head shot up and he stared at Patton with wide eyes, feeling confused and off-balanced. “W-what?”

“We’re still friends,” Patton said firmly, squeezing his hand. “I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, Virgil, but I know  _ you _ . And I know that you get all these anxious thoughts swirling around in there that’s making you believe things that just aren’t true. I don’t know why you’re avoiding me but I want you to know that we’re still friends.” He smiled at him softly. “I promise.”

Virgil stared at Patton with wide eyes that slowly started to fill with tears. Patton was still his friend but Virgil didn’t deserve him. Not after all Virgil had done after Virgil had lied and hidden the truth because a lie of omission was still a lie and he was just so awful. He barely had time to see Patton’s eyes widen in concern before Virgil was pulling away and running down the hall to his bedroom, slamming his door behind him. 

He shuddered, pressing the balls of his hands into his eyes as he tried not to break out into tears. He must’ve tricked him somehow, made Patton think that he was a better person than he actually was. Virgil was a liar and a horrible person and he couldn’t do a single thing right.

And since there were no footsteps running after him or a voice calling for him to come back, Patton must be slowly starting to figure that out too.

Virgil took a deep breath and let his arms fall, rubbing at his eyes and letting out a shaky breath. He turned to his bed before pausing and looking over at his desk where his drawing things were. He might be a complete and horrible person but... he still had a tradition to uphold.

Virgil walked to the desk, sat down, and started to draw.

* * *

* * *

* * *

It took Virgil all day, most of the night and ten failed attempts to finish his piece of art for the new Side. And, if Virgil did say so himself, he may be a shitty person but he sure could draw some good art.

The piece of art was one of his finest yet. He had taken the star from Steven Universe and made word art from it. The star was made up of words written in a gold marker - words like wanted, friend, useful purpose, and necessary - and around the star were the characters from the show and Steven holding up the star. It was really, really good.

Virgil sighed and pushed his chair out from his desk, cracking his fingers with a groan. Thomas was already fast asleep and Virgil guessed that it was around one AM or so. More than late enough that he’d maybe only have to worry about Logan being awake. And even that was unlikely if Patton had dragged him off to bed like he had this morning. 

He got up and took the drawing, silently opening his door and shuffling down the hall. Roman’s door was closed and had his “sleepy time” playlist playing so Virgil already knew that he’d be fast asleep until ten o’clock at least. 

But Virgil paused when he saw Patton’s door cracked open a little, his heart leaping into his throat and, for one terrible moment, he thought that he had been caught. That is until he saw Patton curled around a passed out Logan, the two Sides cuddling on Patton’s bed. Virgil let out a breath of relief - when had he held his breath - and went to close the door. Which had a very familiar frilly green sash on it?

Virgil closed the door.

The new Side’s door was glowing slightly, completely visible now and with a soft pink door knob on it.The marks that Virgil couldn’t make out before were now little cartoon stickers stuck all over the door. There was a small whiteboard stuck on it with three different coloured dry erase magnetic markers stuck on there. At the very bottom at the door was a mural of what Virgil thought was of the Steven Universe characters. Virgil could tell that the Side was probably almost completely formed now. Maybe just an hour or less away from walking through that door He had come just in time. Perfect.

Virgil knelt down, folding the picture into four squares, before gently feeling underneath and sighing in relief when his fingers went through and he could feel a soft carpet on the other side. He reached out to slide the picture underneath when the door opened and Virgil was staring down at a pair of sleek black shoes. He slowly looked up.

A man wearing soft brown khakis, a white shirt underneath a brown sweater, a pink tie, and glasses that were almost identical to Patton and Logan’s but with a golden rim instead of black. And he was staring down at Virgil with a bemused smile. “Hi there! Do you how do? I’m Emile, Thomas’ Compassion.”


	3. Here Comes a Thought

Virgil could only stare up at the new Side in horror, his hand still stretched out to slide his gift underneath the now  _ open _ door.

Emile cocked his head, his smile not faltering even a little. “You’re another Side, right?” He crouched down so he was eye to eye with Virgil. Laugh lines around his eyes crinkled as he smiled at the Anxious Side kindly. “It’s nice to meet you! What’s your trait?”  
Virgil was paralyzed. It was like his mind was glitching and all the options his brain could come up with was scream and run. And there was a third option, Virgil knew that there was. But damn if he knew what it was.

The Side was still there, staring at him and not moving an inch. Oh God, what was he thinking? Was he thinking Virgil was stupid, weird, awful? Of course he was, Virgil was just kneeling there like a total idiot and not saying a single word. He had already messed everything up with this new Side and he hadn’t even given him the drawing yet! It was supposed to be the one thing Virgil could do right and he was fucking it up! Emile was going to tell the others and they were gonna be mad again because it was another lie of omission and he was going to go back to being the outcast and even the other Dark Sides were going to hate him and, and, and -

“Woah, it’s okay,” Emile said, holding his hands out peacefully, his eyes were shining in concern. He shifted a bit closer. “Hey, it’s alright. You’re fine. Can you breathe for me, Hon?” He slowly reached out and, when Virgil didn’t flinch away, took Virgil’s hand. “I know you can do it. Deep breaths, okay?”

Virgil wheezed and it was only that he realized then that he wasn’t breathing and it only made him panic even more, clutching at Emile’s hand tightly as he tried to desperately breathe, shaking like a leaf. The hand holding the drawing fell to his side, the folded piece of paper getting a little crumpled as he clenched his hand. 

Emile squeezed his hand gently. “Shh, it’s okay.” He drew in an exaggerated breath and it was so similar to how Logan or Patton would do it for him that Virgil instinctively did the same. “There you go,” Emile encouraged with a bright smile. “Hold it for me, okay? We’re gonna let it out in just, oh, that’s alright,” he said gently as Virgil let it out and wheezed, “just try again, okay? You’re doing just fine.”

It took a long few minutes but Virgil eventually found his breathing steady and his shaking having died down to gentle tremors. “Sorry,” he croaked out, tears pricking at his eyes. “I’m s-sorry.”

“Hey now, I’m sure you haven’t done anything wrong!” Emile looked around. “Oh, are any of the other Sides awake? There are other Sides, right? You haven’t been here by yourself all this time, have you?”

“Don’t wake the others,” Virgil begged, gripping at Emile’s hand tightly. “Please, please don’t tell them. I-I can’t, I can’t.”

Emile frowned but nodded, reaching forward and gently wiping away tears (Virgil was crying?) from Virgil’s cheeks. “Of course. Here, why don’t you show me where the kitchen is around here, I’ll whip up some nice hot chocolate, and we can talk this out, okay?” He smiled at Virgil gently. “Does that sound good to you?”

Virgil swallowed and nodded but he paused and slowly held out his hand with the crumpled piece of paper in it. Yeah, the tradition was ruined now and Emile was going to tell everyone but… he had worked hard on it and he didn’t think that Emile should be the only Side without a welcome to the Mindscape picture.

“Is this for me,” Emile asked gently. He only took it when Virgil nodded, wiping at his wet eyes. Emile unfolded it and his breath hitched, his face lighting up in a bright smile. “Oh, this wonderful,” he gushed, looking up at Virgil and making the Anxious Side blush from the attention. “You drew this? Oh, I love it so much! Thank you!” He grinned at Virgil and squeezed his hand. “I’m going to hang this up on the fridge so everyone can see it!”

The thought of everyone seeing his drawing made Virgil’s heart stutter but he didn’t say anything. He just let Emile pull him up and pointed him in the direction of the kitchen. Emile pulled him along and then pulled out a kitchen stool when they got to the kitchen. “You sit here, okay?” He walked to the fridge and took one of Patton’s heart magnets, sticking the drawing on it with it and then began bustling around the kitchen, pulling out ingredients for hot chocolate.

Virgil sat down on the stool and pulled his knees up to his chest, watching Emile with red eyes. The new Side seemed to be full of life but his every movement was graceful and full of purpose. 

Emile kept on talking about different things from how happy he was to be here to how he couldn’t wait to meet everyone. But Virgil just tuned him out, resting his cheek on the kitchen’s island and staring at him. He was so tired suddenly and so upset that this new Side - someone that seemed as kind as Patton - had to take care of him. “I’m sorry that I did this,” he whispered softly. 

Emile glanced back at him with a kind smile. “Did what?”

Hell, maybe Virgil was wrong and this new Side was cruel, making him say just as terrible he was. “I broke down in front of you,” Virgil whispered, avoiding the new Side’s eyes. “And I made you take care of me. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t make me do a thing,” Emile said gently, bringing two mugs of hot chocolate over to the island and sitting down next to him. “You did something really nice, making me that drawing. And everyone breaks down from time to time. Sometimes things need to break to build something stronger.”

Well, fuck. This Side was full of some inspirational stuff, wasn’t he?

Virgil didn’t say anything to that, picking up his mug with shaky fingers and sipping at his drink. “...I’m Anxiety. V-Virgil. My name’s Virgil.”

Emile smiled at him and gently bumped his shoulder against Virgil’s. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Virgil.” He looked around the kitchen with curiosity. “So, who are the other Sides around here?”

“Logic, Morality, Deceit, me, and we got two Creativities,” Virgil whispered, sipping at his drink. He swallowed and glanced at Emile with wide eyes. “And you’re Compassion?

“Yep,” Emile chirped happily. “I’m Thomas’ Compassion, towards himself and everyone else.”

Virgil frowned at that. “Towards… himself?”

Emile nodded with a bright grin. “Yep, that’s right!” He then frowned, shifting closer. “But enough about me. Are you okay? That breakdown seems like it was building up for a long while.”

Virgil ducked his head, fingers tightening on his mug. “Oh, I… don’t want to bother you with my problems.” He jumped a little when Emile put a hand on his shoulder, smiling at him gently.

“Hey, I know that we don’t know each other,” Emile said gently. “But I’d love to listen if you’re willing to talk to me.”

Virgil stared at him for a long moment before he ducked his head and started to talk.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Virgil talked for a long time, long enough that by the time he was finished, they had gone through his entire history. And it somehow, by the end of it, Virgil felt a little lighter and the pit of guilt in his gut had eased a little.

And Emile was a good listener. He didn’t interrupt, just nodding and making little comments here and there. And when Virgil was finished, his hand on Virgil’s shoulder squeezed gently. “You’ve been through quite a bit, Virgil,” he said gently. “And I think you’ve been handling it wonderfully.”

Virgil blinked at him, feeling off-balanced. “I… I have?”

“Yes,” Emile said passionately. “You’ve kept trucking on and been trying so hard. Not everyone would be so willing to accept that they were wrong. But you were and you dedicated yourself to change.” He smiled at him and adjusted his glasses. “You tried your best and even told Thomas about a part of yourself that you were happy about.”

“But I lied to him!”

“Maybe,” Emile said, making Virgil shrink back a little. “But… I think that sometimes lying is okay. When you’re trying to protect others or yourself.”

Virgil went to open his mouth to argue before a memory of a certain Moral Side saying the exact same thing that Emile just said. “I…”

“In certain circumstances, of course,” Emile hurried to say. “There are times when we are not ready to confront ourselves, so we lie to protect our own or someone else’s wellbeing but despite you being scared of what Thomas would do if he knew, you still told him anyway. That took courage.” He squeezed Virgil’s hand. “I think you’re very brave, Virgil.”

“...Oh,” Virgil said softly, ducking his head and staring at the table. He didn’t know what to say to that. 

Emile smiled at him, looking up when he heard a creaking of a door. “Oh, it looks like we’ll have some company soon. But, before they come, I think that maybe you should talk about this with one of the Sides you’re more familiar with. Are you close to one of them?”

“Patton,” Virgil said shakily, his heart clenching at the thought of his best friend. “But he represents Morality and I think he’s mad at me for lying to Thomas.”

“Did he say that?”

Virgil didn’t have an answer to that.

Emile smiled at him and winked. “Think about it, okay?” 

There was no time to answer before there were a loud squeal and the sound of footsteps pounding through the Mindscape, Roman, Logan, and Patton skidding into the kitchen. Roman and Patton immediately crowded Emile, squealing and talking over each other happily. Virgil stepped back, hugging his mug to his chest. He jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder and he looked back to see Logan smiling at him with a hint of concern in his eyes.

“Are you alright, Virgil,” Logan asked gently, looking him up and down, almost like he was looking for injuries.

Virgil nodded silently, still a bit shell shocked from the conversation with Emile. He flinched a little when Roman squealed loudly and turned to see Roman looking at the picture hung on the fridge with a grin. “Oh, the Mindscape gave you your drawing!”

“And yours look so pretty,” Patton cooed, bouncing up and down. “The Mindscape must’ve pulled out all the stops on yours! We all got one too when we first formed! Do you like it?”

For a moment, Virgil’s heart leaped into his throat and he felt like he was going to throw up. But then Emile glanced at Virgil, smiled, and said, “I love it.”


	4. Let Us Adore You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Virgil talks with Patton and starts to feel

Knock, knock, knock. 

Patton’s door opened up and the Anxious Side on the other Side gave him a nervous look. “Hey… can I come in?”

It had been almost an entire week since Emile had formed, a few more nights of talking with the new Side, and Virgil gradually gathering up his determination but Virgil was finally ready to talk to Patton. Even though it still terrified him.

Patton immediately nodded, stepping back with an encouraging smile. “Of course, kiddo! Come on in!” His smile turned a bit nervous. “I’ve been actually wanting to talk to you for a bit anyway.”

Virgil swallowed back the terror that came with that statement and nodded, walking inside. He took a deep breath and even before Patton closed the door, he started to talk. “I’m sorry.”

“Kiddo-”

“I’m sorry that I lied to Thomas,” Virgil continued, completely steamrolling over Patton. He had to get this out now before he lost his courage. “And avoided you. I know that it was wrong and… I know you’re probably really disappointed and,” tears pricked at his eyes and he swallowed hard, “and hate me now-”

“-Virgil-”

Virgil whirled around, jaw trembling with the force of holding back tears. “But I-I was talking to Emile and he said that I shouldn’t feel bad about what I did because o-of the cir-circumstances surrounding what happened a-and,” he closed his eyes, pressing the balls of his hands into them to try and force the tears back. He tensed a little as arms wrapped around him and a hand gently guided Virgil’s head down to rest on Patton’s shoulder.

“I’m glad that our newest Side gives such good advice,” Patton said gently, rubbing Virgil’s back. “Oh, kiddo, baby, I’m not disappointed with you at all. And I could never ever hate you.” He pulled back, smiling at Virgil gently, tears of his own shining in his eyes as he cupped Virgil’s cheeks. “Oh, Honeybee, I wish I hadn’t listened to the others and given you space. I should’ve given you the biggest hug I could the moment after you told Thomas the truth and told you how proud I am of you.” He gently caressed Virgil’s cheeks with his thumbs. “You faced your fears and told Thomas about you being a Dark Side. And even if Thomas was hurt at first that you hid it from him, I know that he’s forgiven you already and is just as concerned about you as I am.”

Virgil stared at Patton for a long moment before sobbing, leaning into Patton’s hands and whispering out softly, “S-sorry, I’m sorry. Please forgive me, D-dad, I-I’m suh-sorry.” He wasn’t even sure what he was apologizing for now.

But Patton stayed with him the entire time, pulling him back into a hug, pressing kisses into his hair and mumbling soft nothings to him. 

What felt like hours later and Virgil’s tears had finally dried up, the Anxious Side pulled back. His eyes were bright red and his black eyeshadow smeared across his cheeks. But that pit of guilt that he had been carrying around for what seemed like weeks now? It was gone. 

“Feel better, Honeybee,” Patton asked with a soft smile, tear tracks of his own stained on his cheeks. His smile widened a little when Virgil nodded and he gently wiped at Virgil’s smeared makeup with his thumb. “Good boy,” he said softly. 

Virgil sniffled and leaned into Patton’s hands. “T-that was easier than I thought,” he whispered. “Just… had to talk it out. It wasn’t even that long of a talk.”

Patton chuckled wetly and nodded. “That’s all what’s needed sometimes, Honey. For people to say what’s bothering them. I’m going to have to thank Emile for giving you that advice.” He chuckled and gave Virgil a small smile that was just on the edge of being a smirk. “The two of you sure have warmed up to each other pretty quickly. And here I thought my baby bat didn’t make friends so easily. I'm a little jealous," he said, smiling dimming a little.

“Patton,” Virgil whined, his lips curling up into a smile almost against his will. “It was mostly just Emile trying to help me talk to you again. It’s not like I like him or anything. It was just a few small chats” And a few major talks of their favourite cartoons. Virgil had had a few talks with Emile about Teen Titans after another one of Virgil’s freakouts (Or, “A good cry that you probably needed,” as Emile had called it.) and the two of them both agreed on the fact that Raven was amazing. And Emile liked the soft sweater Virgil had given him - one of many that Virgil had hidden away in his closet where the others couldn’t find them - and Virgil just… liked him.

But that didn’t mean Virgil had turned into a sap and that he _liked_ him or anything.

Patton giggled. “Okay, how about we wipe away these tears and your cool emo makeup, I’ll break out the fancy nail polish, and you’ll tell me all about your new friend? And I better not even hear the words best friend because that is my title and I refuse to share it!”

Virgil huffed out a laugh and nodded, turning to Patton’s bed with a nod. “Sounds,” he trailed off when he saw two things on the bed. One was of them, Logan’s tie, Virgil was able to grapple with but… “Patton, why are Remus’ sash and boots on your bed?”

* * *

* * *

* * *

About over three hours later with Virgil’s fingernails and toenails freshly trimmed and painted - and given a quick tickle on each foot from Patton for denying him his bestie for a whole week - Virgil walked down the mindscape hallway, smiling hesitantly when he walked closer to Compassion’s door, now wide open. Virgil could see Emile lying on his bed, hugging an Amethyst plushie close to his chest as he watched the Steven Universe Future finale which seemed what was the fourth time today. The poor Side had tears shining in his eyes and was shovelling some of Logan’s healthy snacks into his mouth. And when he glanced over at Virgil, his eyes went wide and he lit up. “Virgil! Come on inside and cry your eyes out with me! I’m about to watch the movie again!”

“Oh, um, you sure,” Virgil asked, rubbing the back of his neck hesitantly. “I don’t want to bother you or anything.”

“Oh, posh,” the Compassionate Side huffed, waving him inside. “You come on in and share these apples and peanut butter with me! I could use the company! The others never stop by!”

Virgil stepped inside with a small, amused smile. “Well, no one else really has an open door policy like you do, Emile. Like, except Patton but even he keeps his door closed most of the time. Besides, Em, it’s been, like, just five days since you formed. They just probably need time to get used to you”

Emile nodded with a sad sigh. “I guess you're right. But I haven’t seen them since that first morning.”

“We do have jobs to do, Em.”

“I do work too,” Emile said with a pout.

Virgil immediately backpedalled, taking a few steps backward. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to in-insinuate anything. Sorry, I’ll-”

“Wait, I know you didn’t mean anything by it,” Emile said quickly, reaching out and grabbing Virgil’s wrist, pulling him closer. He smiled at Virgil gently. “I promise, it’s okay. C’mere, sit down with me and watch a movie, okay?”

Virgil stared at him and slowly sat down. “Okay,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. Kind of over-reacted there.”

Emile smiled at him gently. “It’s okay, Virgil. You don’t have to worry about it, I promise.” He grinned at him and winked. “Now, shall we get to watching the best movie ever made ever?”

Virgil smirked and shifted, grabbing a pillow that was in the shape of Pearl’s Gem. “Oh, so we’re watching Black Cauldron? Because I know that, compared to that, the Steven Universe movie isn’t the best movie.” He bit some laughter at the newly formed Side’s expression of horror.

“Not the best-” Emile huffed and shook his head. “Oh no, this will not stand! I will not let my best friend -”

“-Patton’s my best friend-”

Emile pouted at him. “Well, you’re mine. And I will not allow my best friend to go on thinking that the Steven Universe Movie isn’t the best movie ever!” He shifted off the bed and went to his bookshelf full of all the cartoon movies Thomas had ever seen. “We are watching it now!”

Virgil watched him with a small smile, shaking his head in amusement and pushing back the memory of the conversation he had just had with Patton. Yeah, it was nice to have another friend in the Mindscape. His smile softened as Emile sorted through his movies. Yeah. Just friends.


End file.
